I had no idea how much history surrounded me the first time I walked these streets of Budapest. Today I learned that the synagogue on the corner is also the site of a mass grave. I knew there was a cemetary in the courtyard, but since there are only about twenty markers, I assumed that meant there were twenty buried there. There are thousands, many unknown. The entire area--Only down the street from where I write this--was a Jewish ghetto during the war. Apparently the gestapo used the upper floor of the synagogue as a small office, which is why the synagogue was not destroyed. I also learned that the Danube, the same river I crossed twice the other day, is where many Hungarian Jews were shot into the water, probably from the bridge I crossed. This entire city is just a ghost town. A giant cemetery. I've never felt so uneasy, or eager to return to California.

I had handled all that information fairly well up until the point when the Israeli man with our synagogue tour responded to a question asked of him, that he was of Romanian origin, and both his parents were deported during the holocaust. It was something in the way he said, "...that's another story..." and I made a weak smile-- I pretty much lost it then. I maintained an outward appearance of normalcy, but inside I was writhing in my skin from too much knowledge. I wanted to crawl into a little ball, cover my mouth with my hands and suffocate in my tears. I'd seen enough.

There was, however, a special list of names of the gentiles (non-Jews) who risked their lives in order to save hundreds of Jewish people escape or hide during the war, just like my landlady Anna's mother tried to save her neighbor Abraham's little girls in the attic.

This trip has given me a much better understanding of Anna and her mother. I have a great deal of respect for them, and feel awful that they had to witness the horrors all around them. And I have more respect than one can comprehend for the inconceivable strength of the survivors to move on after everything...I really don't think its necessary to explain in words all they had to live through and so much they must try to overcome, as if it were possible after... I don't need to tell you. You've read the books. No matter how many words I write, it is never enough to reverse so much evil that took place in this city.

departure - arrival